Happiness, Please Stay

Who can blame me for wanting to beg
Happiness to stay another day
To revel in a state of joy and peace,
That’s so long been out of reach.
To remember what’s its like to be alive and living
Dancing freely to the music within.

But late at night,
Insomnia knocks,
Pounding on the door
Panic sets in,
The mind buzzing with fear –
Is this a stray guest for the night
Or a forecast of unwelcomed guests
Returning to crash the party?

Who can blame me for wanting to beg
Happiness to stay forever.
To be able to smile and laugh
And soak in each day
With a glowing light
That’s shines from within.

Nights that Only I Know

3 A.M.
Tossing and turning, head spinning
The brain working at speeds
Higher than the most productive days
Spitting out toxic, unhealthy thoughts
Shaming
Accusing
Relentlessly taunting

4 A.M.
Eyes wide open, trying to silence the mind
Knowing a poor night’s sleep
Is often the start of a downward spiral
The shadow of the black dog looming
Suffocating
Drowning
Endlessly falling

5 A.M.
Anger rising, turning aggressively in bed
The voices continue to blame and chastise
Challenging my ability to live my life when I
Can’t even manage a restful night
Fuming
Crying
Intensely feeling

6 A.M.
Mind slowing down, eyes feeling heavy
Fatigue dawns on me as the panic of
Needing to wake in an hour also sets in
Drifting in and out of a wakeful sleep
Dozing
Disorienting
Restlessly drifting

7 A.M.
The alarm sounds, the day must continue
Rising from bed, going through the motions
I throw on some clothes and grab all that is needed
Make it through the door towards a day that’s waiting.
Pretending
Concealing
Barely functioning

The sun shines brightly
Shedding hope on the dark night behind
These nights that have become so familiar
These nights that only I know.

The warmth breaks down the fatigue
Letting in a glimmer of hope.
New thoughts echoing clearly:
Be patient. Have Trust.
This soon will pass.

Deadly Combination

The assumptions
you make
is cyanide;
But my silence
is also
an accomplice

“How Are You?”

“How are you?”
“I’m fine, thank you.”
I hold back the words
“I’m not okay.”
Avoid a conversation
that bleeds darkness,
Cause I don’t want
To taint you
With my wounds.

More than a Diagnosis

I’ve tried to be open about my struggles,
But transparency comes with a cost.
The doubtful questioning about depression
Or the sudden pity that falls.

I want to be honest about my journey,
But not when I’m seen as cracked pottery.
I’m not broken; don’t need to be fixed.
These wounds are merely part of my story.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs
These words I can’t hold back anymore:
I am not my depression, you know,
I am so much more.

Reminder to be Kind

Wrap yourself within your arms,
Embrace yourself with a hug.
Feel the warmth that spreads within
You are worthy and are loved.

Look in a mirror and say to yourself
”I love you and I care,”
Feel your heart begin to open,
Even if only a second it shares.

Find a safe place and let your tears shed,
Let it flow freely; let it express.
Crying is not a weakness,
Your scars don’t make you less.

Maybe your world is crumbling,
Or Life is beating you up.
Remember to be kind to yourself,
And fight this internal war with love.

 

 

Imprisonment

These incessant voices in my head,
Slowly tearing me down into shreds.
These invisible metal chains and ties,
Binding me down in a bed of lies.

It feels like a trap. I know I’m stuck,
Stuck in a maze of my own construct.
I try and try, but I’m running in circles
Some days just getting up is a struggle.

My comfort zone has become so small
Please forgive me for not answering your call.
I put up a smile when I want to hide
These endless battles only I know inside.

Trapped and confined within walls well defined.
Can’t you see how I’ve become a prisoner of my mind.

To be Young and Old

What do you do
When you’re twenty-five
But feel like sixty inside?
When your body seems to be failing you,
With a tangled mind that’s always blue.

They say that you’re young,
That your future is bright.
The struggle so lonely
For the old soul inside.

What do you do
When you’re twenty-five
But feel like sixty inside?
Time to let go of what’s out of control,
And abide with your mind, body and soul.

When Time Stops…

When life loses meaning,
Time seems to stop moving.
Days are still going by,
But the internal clock
Has ceased to keep moving.

Minutes blur into hours.
Hours blur into days.
Where has time gone?
Do you even really care?

There was one moment,
Seared deep into my mind.
Driving on a bypass,
It seemed like another day.
But suddenly I felt it
This feeling inside.
A watch that decided to move again
Firing a lost spark that’s been cast aside.

I thought I was healed.
I thought everything would be alright.
But the batteries seem to have
Just run out again.
The second hand
Ticking back and forth,
Stuck in a moment.
Failing to move forward.

When life loses meaning,
Time stops moving.
Days go by without meaning
Because the internal clock
Has ceased to keep moving.

Drowning

It feels like being under water
for a second too long.
The moment the body
breaks the surface,
It’s flooded with panic.
Gasping.
Panting.
Heart Racing.
The body fighting so hard
to keep itself going,
Struggling to find the rhythm
that used to be so effortless.

Depression is the toxic ocean
I’ve created in my mind.
Each passing day a struggle,
As I drown in my sea of thoughts.
Asphyxiated by my own mind.