Don’t take my responsiveness as desperation
For I have almost lost lives for being unresponsive.
Don’t take my illness as burden
For my scars and wounds are what made me strong.
Don’t take my history as baggage
For those stories are what taught me my values.
Don’t take my vulnerability as weakness
For it takes true courage to speak out in spite of fear.
For many years I built walls,
Suited up in heavy armour;
Protected myself from hurt
Immunized myself from pain.
I let few in,
Perhaps I let in none.
Spent years choosing emptiness
For feeling was too hard.
Those who cared
Pounded on my walls
Tried to break them down,
Pull me out of my fears.
In time I saw what I’ve missed,
Saw what I had to give.
I stepped out of my armour,
Climbed out of my wall.
I wish this ends with a happy ending
But it ends with a harsh fall.
Rejection stings
The hurt from a new wound
Dredging up pain from old scars.
But I would still choose this
Over feeling nothing.
Dropping the armour
Breaking down the walls.
I emerge anew
Pain
Joy
Laughter
Tears
Let me embrace it all,
With everything in between.
Stepping back on the mat
The months of rest
so immediately evident.
The poses once so easy and comfortable
A challenge once again.
Defeat sinks in
Anger follow suit
Moving backwards is a feeling
I’ve never learned to work well with
Perservere through practice
And a lesson becomes clear
Isn’t this like the journey of life?
We go, we fall, we pick ourselves up
We stand up, we keep going even if we fall again?
Breathe.
Be Self Compassionate.
Live in the process and the growth.
Such simple lessons;
Such a challenge to fully embrace.
Breathe again. It’s ok.
Acceptance is what it takes.
Who can blame me for wanting to beg
Happiness to stay another day
To revel in a state of joy and peace,
That’s so long been out of reach.
To remember what’s its like to be alive and living
Dancing freely to the music within.
But late at night,
Insomnia knocks,
Pounding on the door
Panic sets in,
The mind buzzing with fear –
Is this a stray guest for the night
Or a forecast of unwelcomed guests
Returning to crash the party?
Who can blame me for wanting to beg
Happiness to stay forever.
To be able to smile and laugh
And soak in each day
With a glowing light
That’s shines from within.
3 A.M.
Tossing and turning, head spinning
The brain working at speeds
Higher than the most productive days
Spitting out toxic, unhealthy thoughts
Shaming
Accusing
Relentlessly taunting
4 A.M.
Eyes wide open, trying to silence the mind
Knowing a poor night’s sleep
Is often the start of a downward spiral
The shadow of the black dog looming
Suffocating
Drowning
Endlessly falling
5 A.M.
Anger rising, turning aggressively in bed
The voices continue to blame and chastise
Challenging my ability to live my life when I
Can’t even manage a restful night
Fuming
Crying
Intensely feeling
6 A.M.
Mind slowing down, eyes feeling heavy
Fatigue dawns on me as the panic of
Needing to wake in an hour also sets in
Drifting in and out of a wakeful sleep
Dozing
Disorienting
Restlessly drifting
7 A.M.
The alarm sounds, the day must continue
Rising from bed, going through the motions
I throw on some clothes and grab all that is needed
Make it through the door towards a day that’s waiting.
Pretending
Concealing
Barely functioning
The sun shines brightly
Shedding hope on the dark night behind
These nights that have become so familiar
These nights that only I know.
The warmth breaks down the fatigue
Letting in a glimmer of hope.
New thoughts echoing clearly:
Be patient. Have Trust.
This soon will pass.
I want to pave a way
That leads to a worthy sight
Where everyone will want to travel
Whether by day or by night
But I fear what I am paving
Leads directly into a trap
All the sweat and pain so meaningless
As I disappear from the map
The assumptions
you make
is cyanide;
But my silence
is also
an accomplice
The sky will always be blue.
Even when it’s covered by clouds
The sky will always be blue.
Even when the heavy rain storm
Leaves a dark and grey hue,
The sky will always be blue.
Some days the sun will shine
And share its warmth and beauty.
Its love will remind you that
The sky will always be blue
The weather will keep changing
Like these mood swings you are feeling.
But underneath it all,
The sky will always be blue
This storm will not last forever
Don’t let the feeling define you.
Beneath all this, remember,
The sky will always be blue.
The sky will always be blue,
And you
Will always be
You.
“How are you?”
“I’m fine, thank you.”
I hold back the words
“I’m not okay.”
Avoid a conversation
that bleeds darkness,
Cause I don’t want
To taint you
With my wounds.
I’ve tried to be open about my struggles,
But transparency comes with a cost.
The doubtful questioning about depression
Or the sudden pity that falls.
I want to be honest about my journey,
But not when I’m seen as cracked pottery.
I’m not broken; don’t need to be fixed.
These wounds are merely part of my story.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
These words I can’t hold back anymore:
I am not my depression, you know,
I am so much more.
Dark Thoughts. Deep Reflections 